Too Legit to Quit

Life passions are interesting, at least for me. I often feel like my passions fizzle out. I will take up a hobby one year and the next, I’m over it.

It’s amazing I homeschooled as long as I did (12 years to be exact).

I realize that I’m burned out. I probably have been for several years. Currently, I can’t handle a lot emotionally speaking. I turn into a useless ball of tears in the midst of conflict. I don’t hold on to hope. Sometimes I wish I’d get an incurable disease so the decision would be made for me. I just get tired of the fight.

You know… The fight. Always battling the words people say, my own emotions, my introverted and sensitive nature. I often don’t feel fit for such a harsh world. I don’t fit in with most women. I’m 40 and still don’t have a tribe. I’m starting to think that term is BS.

I realize I’m an irrational weirdo but life just has never felt easy. It’s always wrought with conflict. And now my kids have their own and I feel like I have to handle theirs too.

I recently told people I was done homeschooling. The question then becomes, “oh, then what are you doing next year?” I feel a sense of laziness because my plan is to do very little. I’m going to work from home 10 hours a week then pick up my kids from school. That’s about it.

Oh I could go rush back into full time employment but like I said, I’m burned out. I’m cynical, irritable, depressed, and don’t enjoy being around many people. The signs of burn out include isolation and moodiness. The remedy is rest and support. So I’m planning a year of just that.

People don’t realize the emotional toll I’ve had to deal with. I homeschooled one child on the spectrum, another with a mental health problem, and another who got lost in the mix. I didn’t keep up with their schooling and now I feel a sense of failure. I should’ve done more. But I was unable.

The year I had last year included several visits to the ER, mental health therapy on a weekly basis, partial hospitalization, doctor visits, psychiatry visits, physical therapy, surgery, eye and dental visits, and conflict almost everyday. It was comparable to being in combat. I wondered if it would ever end. I still do.

Although things are a little better, I don’t know what this year will bring. But I know my soul has taken a beating. I know I need a break.

I’ve lost any passions I had for life. My motivation for art has dwindled. While I love my kids, I think they stress me out too much. I need to find the things that don’t cause me anxiety. I’m not even sure what that is anymore.

There is guilt in admitting I need a break. In admitting motherhood is a drag. Because I always prided myself on being a mom, it feels like I am losing my identity. They’ll all be away from me next year. I’m scared of what being alone all day might do.

But it’s a phase. I’m hoping after some time, I’ll bounce back. Maybe I’ll find a new hobby. Maybe I’ll meet new people. Maybe I’ll feel hope again.

I’ll still be dealing with stress because life never hands us complete peace. We still have responsibilities. We can’t completely check out. But I know I can’t keep going full speed like I have been either.

It’s ok to quit. Sometimes quitting leads to new adventures. Or so I hope.

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5 thoughts on “Too Legit to Quit

  1. Ashley ♥ says:

    I feel like you were writing about me, here… LOL! I, most days, want to just up and leave my job. Not because I hate it… it’s a great place. It’s just not where I’d rather be. Thanks for this!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ben says:

    I know that when we decided to stop homeschooling, we were very nervous. We had my son home with us from birth to age 12 (except that one year of half day kindergarten). Then we sent him to public school. It was necessary in order for him to develop the social skills needed to function in the world. We did our best to find other homeschooling families but around here it was tough and he had only one decent friend who he only got to see when his mother felt like it. He just finished his first year yesterday and overall it went well. He made friends, had a girlfriend for a little while and made the honor roll the entire year. So what was scary for us at first turned out to be the best thing for us all.

    I know what it is like to feel like parenting is a drag. I love all of my kids but raising them has taken my time and energy away from some of the passions I had in life. You mentioned art. I loved to draw growing up and was pretty good at it. Now, if I’m lucky, I can doodle here and there, but not take the time to really get back into it. I like photography and have started with that a little bit, but even getting outside to do that is tough because I have two young boys who I can’t leave alone in the house for more than a few minutes or they’re getting into trouble. It’s a tough balance and it doesn’t seem fair sometimes.

    I wish sometimes that I could just take a break from it all. Not take a break from having a family, but the stress of it all. My wife and I work opposite shifts in order to keep our kids out of daycare, but not seeing each other enough takes a toll. We’ve been doing that for the last 13 years, ever since my oldest was born. For the most part, we make it work, but it’s hard sometimes. I look to the future and wonder if we will ever not have to do that. Maybe when the kids are all in school, maybe then we can do something different. Who knows. Right now, this is what works, but I find very little “me” time or “us” time. It’s “kids” time all the time.

    It’s okay to be 40 without a tribe. I’m right there with you. I don’t fit in with most people and that’s okay. The term BS suits me fine. Those are my initials after all 🙂 I don’t need to fit in with anyone. Sometimes I feel weird that I don’t, but then other times I look at the rest of the world and think, “I don’t want to be like you people.” We just need to make the best of all life’s situations and try to be happy whenever possible. Its tough, but I’ve heard that people do it.

    Liked by 1 person

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