I Feel Pretty, Witty, and Bright

Being a woman has always felt a bit complicated to me. There are certain rules and expectations to be met. I feel like if I’m not happy, cheerful, or positive, I’m somehow not woman enough. And this pressure to conform often comes from other females.

I feel like the vast majority of people don’t mesh with me. Maybe I’m a giant jerk. I don’t know. But seems to me, I often find myself on the defensive or I feel hurt by their insensitivity.

According to most online quizzes that probably means I’m a crazy maker, narcissist, or worse. The thing is I have tons of empathy for people and I care, but sometimes I care too much. That’s where I tend to feel defensive.

I’ve been seeing a counselor for 6 months or so. She’s been nice and listens but we don’t mesh well. It’s not that I hate her or find her offensive. Sometimes she has good things to say. I just still feel like she misunderstands me. She interprets my cynicism towards certain things as “I need to correct this”. And when she does try to correct my out loud negative thinking, it’s off putting.

Today I was trying to tell her about my anxiety. I’ve had a lot lately and most of it is because of my family, or rather how I cope with them. When discussing how my daughter wants more friends, I jokingly stated that she thinks life is like a Disney show where you have your best friend from high school all the way into adulthood. The therapist chimed in to inform me I shouldn’t take away her hope and that some people do have childhood friends. I felt like I hit a nerve with her because then she said “I still have my friends from high school and so do my kids.” OK, so don’t tell my kids the reality that most people I know don’t?

So in our last few sessions, I’ve felt worse walking out of therapy than going in. And I feel like she overlooks the main point: my anxiety and stress. Instead, she addresses my parenting or communication issues. Is that the point? I didn’t come there for parenting advice. And I hate trying to explain to her that I’m cynical and although I tell her how I think, that’s not what I say to my daughter. I just feel defensive because I’m not Mrs. Positivity like she is.

On one other occasion while expressing my anxiety, she told me to look for things to be thankful for. Oiy. First off, I already know that and secondly, positive thinking is horse shit. It doesn’t do me any good to focus on positivity when I have a panic attack. Let’s ignore the tornado and pretend it’s sunny. Stupid.

So that leaves me with two options: stop going to therapy or find a new counselor. Part of me just wants to quit because it’s exhausting having to start over and bring up all my problems again and then what if that fails too?

On the other hand, the therapist we use for our marriage is like a breath of fresh air. I’m considering seeing him by myself if that isn’t too weird because with him, I state how I feel and he seems to get it. I walk out feeling validated. I don’t have to over explain my sense of humor or be told I should be doing this or that with no relation to my therapy goals. He doesn’t tell me to vibe positivity. He doesn’t coddle me either but offers advice that actually helps.

Part of me wonders if I’m just not a person who does well around most women. I seem to defy the female norm sometimes. I hate bridal & baby showers. I try to talk about other things besides motherhood (I’m more than a mom and wife). You won’t find me knitting. I do garden and I am artsy, however my gardening skills are amateur and you won’t catch me painting florals or girly crap. I am cynical and sarcastic and sometimes inappropriate which makes most guys laugh at me because they don’t expect it, but makes me unlikable by some women. I do have girlfriends but they tend to be like me. My best friend bakes and knits, but she also cusses and can spar males in karate and drop them to the ground. When we get together, we laugh at each other’s inappropriate stories that would make some women cringe.

Oh, I can be feminine and girly when needed (that’s how I attracted my husband lol) but I’m not a pushover. I don’t sugar coat things or prefer politeness over honesty. I’m not into thinking I have to be cute and sweet and never express negativity. I’m definitely not a stepford wife and I don’t feel the need to apologize for being realistic and honest. I wish someone would’ve been honest about life when I was growing up instead of going into adulthood thinking marriage was like a fairytale. Nope, I will not feel bad for stating what I know to be true. That’s not squashing hope. That’s offering a dose of reality.

My main point is that I don’t seem to mesh well with other women. Not the phony, overly positive types anyway. I’d honestly rather be friends with guys. And maybe finding a guy therapist would better suit me too. I like honest, real people not ones that tell me to blow positivity up my ass and everyone else’s.

I guess I’m just too old to have to waste energy explaining things like sarcasm to some people. When I told the male therapist one of my cynical thoughts, he laughed and agreed with me.

I guess I should’ve been born a dude.

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6 thoughts on “I Feel Pretty, Witty, and Bright

  1. Ben says:

    Most people say to “go with your gut” when making important decisions because your first instinct is usually right. If you feel that your counselor isn’t helping, then they probably aren’t. These people get paid to help sort out issues and feelings, but that doesn’t mean they know you more than you know yourself. You know what works and what doesn’t work.

    It’s good to hear that your marriage therapist is helping. That’s a very good thing and maybe that person can help you on an individual basis.

    It’s okay to not be girly all the time. Trust me, I’ve been married just about 20 years now and I can tell you that my wife is a woman…but not a lady. Lol. That’s okay though because being proper all the time is boring. Laughing at inappropriate things and enjoying life is better than pretending you’re a princess all the time. Being real is always best for everyone. Don’t hide behind a fake version of yourself.

    If you think like a dude sometimes, then embrace it. If you think farts are funny then let er rip and have yourself a giggle. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Michelle says:

      Haha! Fart and poop jokes are my sons favorite. I agree. It helped to write out what I was feeling. It sucks to feel on the outs all the time. And counseling should be a safe place to be me but often I feel like I’m saying the wrong things. Or that I’m wrong. I’m open to helpful ways to improve but it’s hard to be told how I think is wrong or be told I’m squashing my daughters hope. Especially in the midst of her mental illness. I feel like she adds more guilt to my plate instead of helping me find ways to relieve it. Thanks for the comment. It made me chuckle.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ACountryBoy says:

    A good post. You obviously don’t have a good rapport with your female therapist. You have every right to seek someone else. A therapist shouldn’t really tell us what to do. They can offer suggestions, ask questions to get you to think, but in the end the decisions are your own and its up to you to find the answers.

    Being a man is hard. Being a woman is hard. Being human is hard.

    Liked by 1 person

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